The Separate and Shared Sorrows
by Utenakun
Summary: "Would you like to see something vanish in the world? And the air be purer, the hearts of men transformed?"  Kirika and Mirelle, and a world that could be different.  Light slash, post-series, 1s.


**Title:** The Separate and Shared Sorrows  
><strong>Author:<strong> vitupera  
><strong>Series:<strong> Noir (post-series; spoilers for the series finale)  
><strong>Summary:<strong> The everyday struggle to seek light.  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG; light swearing, vaguely-alluded violence  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Don't own Noir! Also sorry that my Noir multi-part is still unfinished!  
><strong>Notes:<strong>This was written for the yuri-challenge LJ community, for the lyric prompt "Aimerais-tu en ce monde voir quelque chose s'effacer? / Et que l'air soit plus pur, le cœur des Hommes transformé?" ("Would you like to see something vanish in the world? / And the air be purer, the hearts of men transformed?") To me, this really evoked the whole feeling of Mirelle's, "That is why we seek light," and the ambiguousness of the ending.

ooo

I think now my happiness is in the little things. The clock keeps ticking forward, but now it is safely on the wall, not in my hand. Mirelle doesn't like how I won't wear a wristwatch anymore, she says it's inefficient for me to have to check my phone. But she doesn't say it very often, and her sigh is never very loud. In the end, she understands.

ooo

I can't say I like this place. It's too cold and most of the time, there isn't enough sun. I hate the rattletrap car we drive (bought off of some guy who spent more time looking at my legs than at the cash I handed him, so at least I only paid its worth), and I miss my vespa. I kind of hate the apartment we found, too; we're holed up in a basement, for god's sake. I miss my flat in Paris, with its light and warmth. But I don't, of course, miss my job. And here Kirika can actually attend classes, and I really do think she enjoys them.

"Have you picked a major yet?" I sometimes still ask her, though now I do it more to tease than anything. She seems to only have just understood that she can be anything, really anything, but with that comes the burden of deciding what to be. She's asked me for advice, but I refused. To be honest, I have none to give her. The life and the job I built for myself probably would have held me in good stead, I guess, if I was going to continue killing for a living. But I won't. And Kirika needs advice on how to make a real life, a normal life, so I tell her to just go talk to a counselor.

Nobody said it would be easy, though, and frankly, it's not. I don't pull in a whole lot of money anymore- nothing like I used to make. And I don't mind smiling prettily and wearing the shortest skirt I can get away with, but that will only take you so far. Kirika's classes are a big expense, and some days, by god, I would give anything to be able to go on another silly shopping spree like I used to when I felt the need to cheer myself up.

Or even just eat some real bread, fresh from the oven. No one here knows how to bake a damn loaf of bread.

ooo

I've never lived in a place with snow before. There are things I can't help but remember when I see it, but I do still enjoy it. There are so many things about winter I never knew I would like; ice skating and hot chocolate and just walking down quiet streets with Mirelle, listening to the crunch of our footsteps.

I'm looking forward to seeing more winters here. This is one of the safest places we've found- and true, that's only as far as we can tell, but we've been very careful. Perhaps I'll even be able to finish my degree here. Mirelle did insist we establish our flight plan, should everything go wrong, but when I'm at my desk, textbook open in front of me, a mug of hot chocolate next to me and a blanket wrapped around me, I still think, every time: I hope we can stay here, just a few years.

ooo

The truth is... I'm afraid this can't last, I _know_ it can't last, we had no idea what we were doing, calling ourselves Noir and making a damn name for ourselves. Sometimes the thought keeps me up at night- Soldats doesn't even need to get us out of the way, surely there are a few information brokers who have kept tabs on us, no matter how careful we are, and sooner or later some idiot with a street gun and a crappy website and enough money to pay off the right person will find us and try to make a damn name for himself. We're retired assassins. That is to say, sitting ducks. I've seen it before- ha, I've _done _it before- and I'm just waiting to see it happen to me.

And what _about_ Soldats, now that we're on the subject? I really couldn't tell you what sort of stupid games those assholes were playing. Oh, they needed our help, but now that they don't I'm sure whatever gratitude they felt is as forgotten as the need. I don't know for a fact that they're coming after us, but we know so much, I don't see how they could afford not to.

But Kirika's never going to have to kill again. Not to save me, not to save anyone. Kirika's never going to have to kill again if I have to shoot every one of those bastards myself.

ooo

Don't tell Mirelle, but I have decided on a major. It wasn't hard, I just had to figure out exactly how I was going to do what I want to do in life. More than anything, I'd like to leave that dark world we lived in, but at first I couldn't see how to turn my back on it without leaving myself vulnerable to it. And, well, I know Mirelle worries about our situation too.

So I'm going to become a journalist. The people we faced, they can only operate in silence and darkness. I'm going to hunt them down with light, and expose them for all the world to see. Then they'll be afraid of me, not as a weapon wielded, but as a person they cannot kill and cannot face.

I know what I've been told, about a degree in journalism, about how long it may take me to establish myself. But I think I can do better than that. And I know I can do this, with Mirelle's help. It's not enough, of course it's so inadequate to simply kill people. Of course the only way to change the world is to change the minds of the people who live in it.

ooo

Of course I'll stay. This is so important for Kirika; this is the rest of her life we're trying to build here. Most days aren't so bad anyway, and the ones that are, I bite my tongue. She doesn't need distracting. But she still always knows, every time I come home angry, every time my eyes snap open in the middle of the night. She pulls me close, so I can feel it: our two hearts, beating so close to one another, beating in time. In the end, she understands.


End file.
